Spilling my mind out

Honestly.. I'm not sure how coherent this is, but that’s what happens when I start writing without thinking and I'll always end up thinking too much. So this is part of what I unintentionally over think ..

A lot has happened this year, foreign and new to me. Everything I thought I knew, everything I was comfortable with just vanished into thin air; left me lost and confused, but also somewhat inspired.  It felt like I was given another chance, another beginning, one where I'd get to leave things/selves behind and never look back.  And it is funny how I'm always reminded with how things can never stay constant and that they might turn out the way I never expected them to.  But I would still do the same mistakes and fall in places that I shouldn't, even worse… I always hold on to expectations. I was told it is okay to do mistakes over and over, it would strengthen you, you’ll see how essential it is for life they say. Well.. I just tend to forget a lot, I find it super easy to just drop pieces of memories and step over them so they would never be repaired and put back in their place. It’s not that I don't want to learn from my mistakes, I just can’t remember doing them or that I just don’t care anymore.  Sometimes I can spend days where I would just shut the rest of the world off and prefer living entirely in my head.  Other times I just spend a lot of nights aimlessly thinking about nothing! Just staring into darkness, waiting for... Well I don't know for what, or for whom. And sometimes I would try to open up for a good friend. Most of the times we talk about everything, but sometimes we would let silence fill the spaces between us. When I think about it, isn't this all what we really want? To have someone with us who we can connect with, who just gets it, us, even gets our silence. I mean, essentially isn't this what we all long for, wishing that people are just like words, creating  something ugly and beautiful at the same time, conjuring our all. We just write hoping that someone else would read them and say: yes, I feel this way too. And suddenly the world isn't so big and cold but small and connected.  I think I just found the cure of emptiness. It’s those moments of understanding where you belong, understanding where you stand in someone’s life, moments where you will be able to find healing, closure, or whatever it is that you need at the time you're disconnected from the whole universe. It is okay to want people, to crave being in touch, to be hungry for connection and perfection. After all we're humans, creatures made up of desires.